Real men…

Is it ever right to hit a woman? We’re born knowing the answer. Let’s never forget it.

Now that’s what I’m talking’ about!

Ray, Janay, and Truth About Domestic Violence

As I sit at my computer, the Today Show is playing in the other room. I can see the screen from here and I can hear the audio. I see Ray and Janay Rice on screen. Ray Rice recently became eligible to play in the NFL again after knocking out his then fiancee, Janay, during an argument in an elevator. I train police (and anyone else who will listen) on how to recognize and respond to incidents of domestic violence, so I listened up. I see the couple, along with Janay’s parents, in what appears to be their kitchen. The four portray a unified front as Ray professes his heartfelt sorrow for the “isolated incident” in which he punched her twice in the head, ultimately knocking her unconscious.

Follow this link (or copy it to your browser) to see the Today Show footage:

http://www.today.com/news/ray-rice-seeks-second-chance-nfl-admits-mistake-not-apologizing-1D80323942

I want to believe everything is as it appears on the Today Show, but experience tells me otherwise.

First, the two punches in the elevator, and Rice’s reaction after them, are practiced moves, not “blind-rage” anomalies from an otherwise peaceful man. Abusers don’t just “snap.” They enjoy giving full vent to their anger and do so only when they are sure they’ll get away with it. Cameras just happened to shed light on what is really going on this time. Had there not been video footage of the beating, we would have been told Janay slipped and struck her head on the elevator’s railing. Janay would have told that story herself in convincing fashion.

Second, Ray Rice’s apologies/statements are classic abuser apologies/statements. He uses lots of “we” language, minimization, denial, and statements about how much scrutiny “they” are under because of who “he is.” “We’re sorry for what happened.” “We’ve argued like all couples do, but we’ve never crossed that road of abuse except this one time.” “Domestic violence is a problem for people when it is really going on.”

If you know the language of abuse and listen to that interview, it is plain to hear Ray Rice is sorry he got caught, but not broken up by his actions toward Janay. He can’t even acknowledge that what he did was abuse. He hates the consequences and is doing all he can to make sure they are as short lived as possible. And, of course, he is fooling the people around him all along the way. That is what abusers do. In public, we like them and want to believe the best about them. They can be very convincing. They lead us right where we want to go.

If a man truly “snapped” and struck his wife/fiancee in a fit of blind rage, the reaction in the elevator would be something like this, “My God! My God! What have I done!? Oh, baby, I’m so sorry! What have I done!? Oh my God…get help!” The ensuing apologies during interviews would sound something like this, “I can’t believe I hit my wife. I have no excuse. She doesn’t deserve that. Nobody deserves that. I’m in counseling and trying to make it up to her. I don’t deserve to play in the NFL. I don’t deserve to be a role model. I pray she can forgive me, someday. I pray my kids can. My God! Whatever comes my way, I deserve it. I’m just going to work on being a better man and NEVER doing anything like that again. We’ll do family counseling after I’ve gotten myself straight. I’m the one to blame.” True apologies are “I” centered, not “we” centered. The abuser is the problem in an abusive family, not the family itself.

Third, Janay is speaking from her heart, but her responses to this are classic “survivor/victim” speak. I don’t want to dissect all of her statements here. It would take far too long and might sound like I’m blaming her for something. She is simply responding like 100 out of 100 survivor/victims respond. You can hear it and see it if you know what to look for.

I thought I couldn’t be shocked, but I was when I read the Youtube comments under the “elevator video” I posted. Women are writing that they “hate to say it,” but Janay “did something to really piss Ray off” and “brought it on herself.” Granted, she should not have slapped him in the hall, but did he respond in kind? Was he defending himself? No. He was clearly teaching her a lesson, one he has taught her many times before. Ladies, striking you is NEVER permissible! Don’t tolerate it and don’t settle for it. Verbal abuse isn’t permissible, either, but we’ll save that for another time. Suffice it to say, the comments after the video demonstrate many men think it is o.k. to strike a woman and many women think it is o.k. for a man to strike a woman under the right circumstances. That is horrifying to me. Those attitudes are what has to change. Real men don’t abuse women verbally , physically, or psychologically. Our job is to protect, provide for, cherish, and love them. Don’t marry–or continue dating–a woman for whom you cannot do those things willingly and with a loving heart. If violence and abuse are part of your relationship, change or get out of it so you can be the man you are supposed to be.

 

 

Men-Fighting for Life

Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever—” therefore the LORD God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken. He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.                                      GENESIS 3:22-23

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.                REVELATION 22:1-5

I’ve made reference to “The Fall” a few times during Man Week. For those who may not know, The Fall is when Adam and Eve chose to ignore God and obey Satan by eating the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3). We fell from God’s grace when we chose to disobey Him and serve idols (Satan, secret knowledge, our own selfish desires, etc.). No longer were we born as God’s children. Now we are born sinners. We are born guilty. Our human nature is corrupt and we are born natural enemies of God, inclined to disobey Him. We lost eternal life in His presence as our default position. We lost God as our Father. Now we must become members of God’s family by choice and through adoption via faith in Christ Jesus (See: Compelling Truth).

God set the cherubim (the most powerful of His warrior angels) to guard the way to the Tree of Life, so man cannot gain eternal life by our own effort. We can’t just walk up and take a bite because the path is guarded by the cherubim and their flaming swords. I believe Satan is the chief of those cherubim (Ezekiel 28:12-17) and guards the way to life with vicious tenacity. He hates more than anything the thought of people being reconciled to God and escaping hell, so he won’t let us anywhere near that tree.

But God’s kingdom has the tree of life at its center. The River of Life flows from Christ’s throne and waters the tree, which brings healing (through faith in Christ and His amazing sacrifice) to the nations (Revelation 22:1-5 above). Life is available to every person of every nation…all we have to do is entrust our lives to Christ and follow Him. Satan’s entire purpose is to keep us from seeing Christ for who He is and to keep us from placing our faith in Him for forgiveness and eternal life.

Men…our entire purpose is to fight through Satan’s lies, darkness, and deceit to lead others to Christ, starting with our families! We all work, we all play, we all study, we go to school, we love, we marry, we raise kids, we socialize, we LIVE. But why? What is it all for? For what purpose are YOU living? If your answer is anything but, “To bring glory to God, to beat back the darkness, to spread the light and truth of God’s redemptive love, and to lead others to Him,” then you have bought Satan’s bill of goods and are missing your divine purpose!

Men, our first step is to come to saving faith in Christ ourselves. Then it is all about kicking Satan’s tail and fighting past that flaming sword for our wives, our kids, and the people we know. We must make it to that tree and WE WILL if we trust in Christ’s power and let Him fight through us! Life is our destiny if we’ll only embrace it by embracing Christ!

Don’t wait another second! Put on God’s armor, pick up that sword, and start fighting as a member of God’s kingdom. Our victory is assured! This post concludes Man Week. Now…Let’s do it.

Men-All Knight Lovin’

So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.

Genesis 1:27-28, 31

In our fallen world romance and sex are not always the same thing. In our world, sex can be purchased from strangers for less than the cost of a fast-food meal or admission to a movie. In our world, sex is often simply an act, rather than just one movement in a complex, beautiful, continuous relational symphony.  In our world, sex can be a stand alone act devoid of any commitment, compassion, caring, or consideration for the other person. In our world, sex can be completely selfish…and we can be fine with that. We use sex, or the allure of it, to sell everything from clothes and cars to cosmetics and cell-service.

These realities are tragic because God invented sex. He gave it to us as both a stewardship and a gift. To Him it is a holy thing…a blessed union between a man and woman who are committed to each other. He intended it to be the ultimate expression of unity and caring for the person to whom we have devoted our entire life. Sure, sex is the method through which we fulfill God’s command to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, but it also feels really good. It feels good physically, but in the context of a committed relationship, it feels good spiritually, psychologically, and relationally as well. Yep, we Knights need to know our Fair Maiden and please her in that area, but we’ll get back to that in a minute.

True Knights are all about romance, not just sex. Look in Scripture at how God pursues us if you want an example of what I’m talking about. The bible is 66 love letters in which God reveals Himself to us, opens His heart to us, crosses time and space to save us, risks hurt to love us, protects us, destroys our enemies, provides for us, speaks gently to us without condemning us, is patient toward us, sacrifices for us, understands our weaknesses, sees the best in us, and wants the best for us. If you perceive the bible to be a bunch of rules we can never obey and a bunch of unrealistic expectations we can never live up to, you’re mistaken.  All of Scripture is God saying, “I know you will fall short, but I want to forgive you and have made a way for you to live an abundant, guilt-free life culminating in an eternity in heaven with Me. I want you! I love you! I have to have you! I’ll die for you if I must! I cherish you! I am yours and you are mine (only if you desire to be, of course) I won’t force Myself on you, I simply call to you and offer to love you forever!” Now THAT is romance!

Knights, we need to consider our Lady. We hone our romantic hearts and minds as we date and look for our wife, but when that marriage covenant is in place we need to keep perfecting our loving craft. When we pursue a Lady and catch her (or she lets us catch her) we need to keep pursuing her heart as long as we live. Consider her, know her heart, always do the things that make her knees weak and her heart melt. Make sure she knows you love her. Make sure she knows you desire her. That is easy in the first few years of marriage, but we tend to forget about those things the farther we get from the wedding altar. It is easy to take our spouse for granted and let the flames die down a bit. We Knights need to be intentional about romancing our Lady. We need to make it a habit and keep the fires burning. I can’t tell you how to do that with your Maiden, because each of them is unique. One way to pursue her is to continually learn her heart. You might even have to talk to her to accomplish this, but don’t be afraid. You can do it! You’re a Knight for Pete’s sake!

Now, a final few words on sex. The bible says we should keep the marriage bed undefiled. God is talking about more than fidelity here. He is also talking about the sanctity of our Maiden’s mind, body, and spirit. Sex needs to be about her. Your Maiden should never feel embarrassed, afraid, used, hurt, or disrespected. She should feel loved beyond measure, respected, desirable, beautiful, and perfect. Get to know what makes her feel those things and do it. Seek to please her and your pleasure will increase, too. We Knights get off on seeing our Maidens experiencing bliss. In marriage, great sex isn’t entirely about physical performance. It is mostly about relational intimacy. We Knights should devote ourselves to constantly increasing relational intimacy with our Maiden.

One more thing. I know we’re focusing on being tender, amazing lovers focused on pleasing our Maiden, but don’t forget to “take her” once in a while. Women love to be considered, but sometimes they just want to be desired. Make sure she is willing, of course. Knights NEVER take from their Maiden by force! But there’s something special when your Maiden knows you  simply have to have her right now. Once in a while, while you are looking at your Maiden and you are overcome with her beauty, she’ll be thrilled if you walk up behind her, put your arms around her, and whisper in her ear, “I want you  and I want you right now.” That sounds selfish, and sounds as if it is all about you, but it really isn’t. Your Maiden will be blessed by your unquenchable desire for her. Let her know she is absolutely irresistible and capable of dissolving all of you inhibitions and restraint. Now that is romance!

Men-All Day and Knight

And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22-24

 

Like men, women are capable of providing for themselves, protecting themselves, and thinking for themselves. They don’t always need us men to provide for them or protect them. In fact, society has taught women they are betraying womanhood when they do look to us for provision, protection, and support. The Greek word for that feminist theory is “Hogwash.” Ladies, you should look to your man for leadership, strength, compassion, and support and doing so does NOT make you less independent, capable, or wonderful. I’ll let you in on  a secret. Within the covenant relationship of marriage, the more you respect and honor us (by letting us know when you need us), the more motivated we are to be worthy of respect and to break our backs to provide whatever it is you need.

Of course, we men should be just as open with our wives and show them frequently how much we need, love, and cherish them. But God put us men on the planet first. Since the first man, God has called each man to lead his family, to protect his family, and to provide for his family (Genesis 2:15-25). All of this starts with the way we love our wife.

Scripture tell us men and women are equal in God’s eye’s (Galatians 3:28), so the husband’s headship is not a matter of hierarchy, but rather one of role distinction. Men are called by God to take the lead and God is going to hold each of us accountable for how we do (or fail to do) that. God put us on the planet first to subdue it. He had a personal relationship with the man first and God gave His Law to the man first (Genesis 2:15-18). The man was supposed to show his wife how to walk with God, diligently show her the wonder and blessing associated with knowing and following God’s commands, and to protect her from the Enemy’s attacks, temptations, and subversive influence. Adam failed to do those things, which led directly to the Fall of Man (Genesis 3). Not only did Adam just stand there and let Satan lie to Eve, twist God’s words, and trick her into disobedience; he also partook of the forbidden fruit, thus plunging mankind into sinful corruption until Judgment Day (Genesis 3:1-6).

Husbands/fathers, it is imperative that we know God personally (through a saving relationship with Jesus Christ), live as students and practitioners of His word, and teach our families to do the same. All of this starts with loving Jesus and showing love to our wife. We are knights in shining armor in a dark and dangerous world. The Dragon is at the door and he wants our Fair Maiden. Guys, if you aren’t married yet, get walking with Jesus right now and develop the habits of devotion that will make you invincible knights when the time comes.

When we husbands abuse our Lady with demeaning, harsh words, selfish behavior, neglect, indifference toward the Lord and/or her, physical violence, cruel humor at her expense, a lack of passion for her, a lack of compassion toward her, a lack of respect for her, a failure to consider her, or any unloving attitude or action toward her, we become a tool of the Dragon. God put us here to be a blessing to our Lady, to pursue her, to protect her, and to provide for her. We are to lead the way and be ever vigilant and ever loving.

Let’s put on God’s armor, mount up, and ride out. The Dragon is always on the perimeter looking for a way in.

 

Men-Designed to Do the Main Thing Well

The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

It is no secret women are better at multitasking than men. Studies have proven it. God wired women’s brains to make better connections between the right and left hemispheres and He wired men’s brains to make better connections within hemispheres from front to back. This means women are better at making intuitive connections and attenuating to multiple tasks, while men are typically better at quickly perceiving information and using it to carry out a complex task. So, we’re not ignoring you, ladies. We are just really focused on the task at hand…even if it is just watching T.V. (Ben Spencer for the Daily Mail)

Look at God’s design in action (Genesis 2:15-20):

God put the man in the garden of Eden to work and keep it (vv-15, 19-20a). Remember, we are designed to perceive information and act on it. Men, we’re supposed to perceive God’s purposes for us and work diligently to fulfill them. We are supposed to complete our God-given tasks. Many of us feel “out of sync” or unfulfilled because we simply don’t seek to know what God has for us. We’re setting our own goals using our own egos and personal desires as our guide and we are trying to find fulfillment in whatever is “now” or “next,” instead of seeing the eternal purpose in whatever job we’re working or situation we’re going through. We’re built to perceive God, but we won’t if we don’t read His word, seek Him, and hang out with His people.

After assigning Adam his task, God laid down the ground rules (vv 16-17). After finding out from God  what our “main thing” is, we have to know and apply God’s principles as we carry out the task. God’s word is filled with instructions and warnings. We ignore them at our own peril. If God is our King, we need to study Him to know His heart, His character, His expectations, the boundaries He sets for us, and His capacity for grace and mercy. As we’ll see in the next few days, Adam really messed up and there were consequences. But God provided a way for Adam to be restored and to keep his status as the crown jewel of God’s creation and God’s primary tool for defeating Satan. Strive to obey God, but also understand God’s capacity to forgive you is greater than your capacity to screw up. So live boldly, learn to get back up when you fall, and meditate on God’s word constantly (Joshua 1:8-9)

Finally, if you are going to do the main thing REALLY well, you’re going to need a helper (v 20). I’ve got a secret to tell you…when you find the right helper, she not only helps you do the main thing really well, she becomes a significant part of the main thing. If you abuse, demean, or fail to appreciate your wife, you are failing at the main thing and crippling yourself (1 Peter 3:7). But let’s not be hasty here! God paraded every animal on the planet in front of Adam and he still did not find a suitable helper among them. Don’t choose your wife hastily or based primarily on outward appearance. Focus first on who she is, not what she looks like. That is very difficult for us guys. We’re visually stimulated critters. Focus, boys…focus. You can do it! Talk to her. Hear her heart, listen to her dreams, her desires, and her passions. Find out her goals, her ambitions, and her focus. Make sure she is as zeroed in on God’s main thing as you are. Fall in love with the person, not the package. Lifetimes are built from the inside out, so be diligent and discerning. Your wife will become the greatest influence in your life next to the Lord. Her power to keep you on the right path is immense, but so is her power to pull you off course. Choose wisely and find a woman after God’s own heart.

Now…let’s do it…

Man Week Kick-Off/non-Christians welcome

Man Week is getting a very late start. I intended to start if last Father’s Day and we’re half way to next Father’s Day already. Honestly, I’ve been waiting to feel qualified to speak to the subject. I still feel more disqualified than qualified, but I’m going to jump in, anyway.

“Band of Brothers”

Here’s the plan…I’m going to move through the first three chapters of Genesis, just as I did for Woman Week. I’m going to expand on certain passages over a consecutive 7-day period in an attempt to both illumine biblical manhood (God’s view of true manhood…and the only real definition) and address our human condition as we struggle to reconcile God’s expectations with our personal and societal definitions.

If you’re thinking, I’m not a Christian and I don’t believe the bible or I’m so far from God, I don’t want to hear what He has to say, I encourage you to hang around and gather whatever tools you can. I don’t deserve to speak on this issue, so you won’t find any judgment here. Woman Week  was easy for me because I believe women are the greatest blessings in God’s creation, beautiful, strong, capable, and worthy of honor. It is easy for me to extol the virtues of women. Man Week is going to tear out my heart and soul because I fall so short of God’s standard. I’m coming from a place of brokenness, pain, and trial. I so tragically miss the mark myself, I feel disqualified to instruct others. If you believe, please pray for me over this coming week.

Having said that, you’ll notice a tonal difference as I write from scripture about manhood as opposed to that which I struck when writing about women. It is going to sound more like a coach’s locker room rant when his team is down by a couple touchdowns at the half, than it will a pep talk abut all the things we do well. I think we have ground to make up, fellas. Most of us, especially me, need to tighten up our game, climb onto our horse, and charge into the darkness. The wolf is always at the door and God has both commissioned and equipped us to do something about it. We’ll take time to high-five over some things we’re doing right. I’ll point out our strengths, but I hope you’ll focus on identifying and mitigating your weaknesses.

The posse is riding out tomorrow. I hope you’ll join us.

Women-Influential

“And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, ‘You may eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat…'” Genesis 2:16-17

“So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” Genesis 3:6

“‘Have you eaten from the tree which I commanded you not to eat?’ The man said, ‘The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate'” Genesis 3:11b-12

I’m sorry this seventh installment for “Woman Week” didn’t come the day after the sixth, but sometimes life gets in the way, ya’ know? BUT, I couldn’t leave you hanging after promising to talk about why The Fall wasn’t all Eve’s fault (see “Women-Some Tough Mothers”).

I’m going to hit this topic hard-and-heavy during “Man Week,” which will be the week of Father’s Day, but I’ll touch on it here.

We know Eve ate the forbidden fruit, so she tends to take the fall (pun intended) for our situation–the human condition. But look at Adam. He really wimps out here. With our very first sin, came the very first round of the “blame game” to ever be played. Adam throws Eve under the bus without hesitation (Genesis 3:11-12 above).

God told Adam not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This admonition came before Eve was even created (Genesis 2:16-17 above). It was Adam’s job to teach Eve God’s rules and to make sure their family abided by them. That mandate has not changed fellas. I see far too many women carrying the burden of spiritual leadership in their families. I see far too many husbands sitting at home with a million excuses for not serving the Lord while their wives drag the kids to church each week and constantly “invite” their husbands to come. It is a travesty, and it is largely why the “traditional family” is in such crisis today. Men, we are called to follow Christ and lead our family along that path. If you aren’t doing that, you are failing as a man, husband, and father. God isn’t going to ask you if you taught your kids to play soccer or to bait a hook. He’s going to ask you what you did to lead them in following Christ. What will your answer be?

Eve was enticed by the seductive nature of sin. Adam stood there, saying nothing, while Satan tempted Eve. When Eve took the fruit, Adam said and did nothing. When Eve ate, she then extended the offer to Adam and he “ate also” (Genesis 3:6 above).  He was standing there through the whole ordeal and did NOTHING! Is the Fall of Man Eve’s fault? I think not. All Adam had to do is open his mouth and take a stand on God’s word. That is why God says, “…sin came into the world through one MAN…”

But the Bible is clear that women have an incredible power of influence over men. There are many negative proofs of it in Scripture. The people of Israel were warned not to take wives from the people-groups they encountered because those women would cause them to abandon the One True God and worship idols (and that is exactly what happened). King Solomon was the wisest man to ever walk the earth, but pagan wives caused him to forsake God and worship idols (1 Kings 11:1-8). But that influence can also work in a positive way, as it did with the woman at the well whose testimony God used to save many (John 4:39).

Ladies, you captivate us. That is why it is so important for you to follow Christ.  When we set our heart on you, we want to pursue you, and we will follow you to the ends of the earth if that is what it takes. Once we catch you (or you allow us to catch you), your power of influence becomes even stronger. God has called us to lead, but He has given you to us to help us find the narrow gate that leads to life. Your influence is powerful. Follow Christ and let’s head for life.

 

Women-Worthy of Pursuit

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

It has been God’s intention from the beginning that the closest and most intimate relationship between men and women is the marital relationship. Marriage is really an anthropomorphism (great scrabble word if you can get it!) or “picture” of Christ’s relationship with those He has redeemed (Ephesians 5:21-33). Abusers misuse this passage to wrongly justify forcing wives to submit to whatever their husband desires, but the onus is clearly on the husband to be a man worthy of respect, following hard after Christ, before the wife is called upon to submit. I’ll expand more on that the week of Father’s Day.

But this Genesis passage makes clear that women will be the compelling force that prompts men to forsake and leave their mothers and fathers and pursue, overtake, catch, and cling to their wife (all of those “pursuit” words are derived from the Hebrew word for “hold fast.”

There is so much packed into this concept. First of all, your wife ain’t your “momma.” When we take a wife, she isn’t expected to mother us, though she can occasionally do so out of love. Our wife is our partner. Also, our parents shouldn’t get the first, most, and best of us. Our wives should become #2, just after Jesus Christ on our priority list. I know too many men who still drop everything when mom calls and who spend far too much time with their parents after they are married. I’m all for family and momma is very special but, when we marry, it is time to strike out and build a new family.

Second, we need to abandon any unhealthy “family traits” and develop god-honoring relationship patterns. If abuse, yelling, etc. were part of our family pattern growing up, we need to abandon those, pursue Christ, and improve how we do things. Generational sins are learned behaviors, not unbreakable curses. Husbands, we need to pursue Christ first, and then pursue a healthy relationship with our wife, just as Christ pursues it with His Church.

Finally, we husbands need to pursue our wives, even after we catch them. We get her to marry us and then, too often, stop pursuing her heart. Men need to feel respected and women need to feel desirable. Tell her she’s beautiful, inside and out. Let her catch you staring at her. Tell her frequently that you love her. Touch her frequently without it leading to sex (a hug, put your arms around her from behind, take her hand, rub her shoulders, kiss her ear), when you have sex, make it about her, praise her frequently (but make sure it is genuine. False praise isn’t the same as heartfelt, genuine praise). In other words, find out what her love language, speak it fluently, and speak it constantly.

There are too many ways to show love than I can possible list, but find a couple ways to show it every day. Remember, we are one flesh. If we hurt her, it hurts us. If we edify her, it edifies us. For men, life is more exciting when we are pursuing something. Marriage isn’t the end of the adventure. If you’ll keep pursuing your wife, marriage is just the beginning.

 

Road Trip!

As I sit here trying to think of something inspirational to write, I can’t focus on anything other than my imminent trip to Florida. That might not inspire you, but it inspires me. Tomorrow is my 19^th wedding anniversary. My lovely bride and I are flying out for the Sunshine State just minutes before the sun starts to shine here in Chicago.

We can use a break. Last year at this time we were coping with a very traumatic event that sent our lives into a dizzying spin. We had to take a stand upon God’s word and God’s principles and doing so cost us a lot of friendships and what appeared to be a fairly stable ministry position. We prayed, closed our eyes, held out breath, and stepped out in faith into one of the worst job markets in American history. I had never planned on leaving the church I was pastoring, so I didn’t have any job prospects. I simply had not been looking for any.

But with that one step of faith, God started doing amazing things and he just hasn’t stopped. One church voted me out on a Sunday and God started another church the following Sunday. God put a million pieces together and we were able to meet in a local grade school for the very first gathering of Risen Savior Bible Chapel (RSBC). We didn’t know what our church’s name would be on that first Sunday, but it was clear that God was working. Here we are over a year later and God is still at work. He continues to lay a wonderful, firm foundation upon which I know He is going to build a vibrant church that stands the test of time. I’m awed as I consider all the wonderful people God has sent into our lives to bless and encourage us. I only pray I can be at least half the blessing to them that they are to me. We love you, RSBC!

This past year has been thrilling, but it has also been one of the most challenging seasons of my life—spiritually, relationally, physically, and psychologically. My faithful wife has stuck by me through it all. She has done more than just stand by me; she has shouldered much of the burden herself. We haven’t stopped working since that first Sunday in February, 2011 and now God is giving us five days alone to stare into each other’s eyes and decompress. Since calling us to step out into the great unknown, God has provided so that we haven’t missed a bill payment or a meal. He has provided for us in countless ways, too numerous to name, and He has even provided a little bit of financial cushion so we can afford to make this trip.

I’ll write a SHORT blog post each day of our trip, but I’m not putting myself under the pressure to “produce.” I’ve never written a travel blog, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. Blessings to you, faithful reader. In parting, let me share with you one thing I’ve learned along the way, no matter how difficult “the way” might get: God is faithful!