As I sit at my computer, the Today Show is playing in the other room. I can see the screen from here and I can hear the audio. I see Ray and Janay Rice on screen. Ray Rice recently became eligible to play in the NFL again after knocking out his then fiancee, Janay, during an argument in an elevator. I train police (and anyone else who will listen) on how to recognize and respond to incidents of domestic violence, so I listened up. I see the couple, along with Janay’s parents, in what appears to be their kitchen. The four portray a unified front as Ray professes his heartfelt sorrow for the “isolated incident” in which he punched her twice in the head, ultimately knocking her unconscious.
Follow this link (or copy it to your browser) to see the Today Show footage:
http://www.today.com/news/ray-rice-seeks-second-chance-nfl-admits-mistake-not-apologizing-1D80323942
I want to believe everything is as it appears on the Today Show, but experience tells me otherwise.
First, the two punches in the elevator, and Rice’s reaction after them, are practiced moves, not “blind-rage” anomalies from an otherwise peaceful man. Abusers don’t just “snap.” They enjoy giving full vent to their anger and do so only when they are sure they’ll get away with it. Cameras just happened to shed light on what is really going on this time. Had there not been video footage of the beating, we would have been told Janay slipped and struck her head on the elevator’s railing. Janay would have told that story herself in convincing fashion.
Second, Ray Rice’s apologies/statements are classic abuser apologies/statements. He uses lots of “we” language, minimization, denial, and statements about how much scrutiny “they” are under because of who “he is.” “We’re sorry for what happened.” “We’ve argued like all couples do, but we’ve never crossed that road of abuse except this one time.” “Domestic violence is a problem for people when it is really going on.”
If you know the language of abuse and listen to that interview, it is plain to hear Ray Rice is sorry he got caught, but not broken up by his actions toward Janay. He can’t even acknowledge that what he did was abuse. He hates the consequences and is doing all he can to make sure they are as short lived as possible. And, of course, he is fooling the people around him all along the way. That is what abusers do. In public, we like them and want to believe the best about them. They can be very convincing. They lead us right where we want to go.
If a man truly “snapped” and struck his wife/fiancee in a fit of blind rage, the reaction in the elevator would be something like this, “My God! My God! What have I done!? Oh, baby, I’m so sorry! What have I done!? Oh my God…get help!” The ensuing apologies during interviews would sound something like this, “I can’t believe I hit my wife. I have no excuse. She doesn’t deserve that. Nobody deserves that. I’m in counseling and trying to make it up to her. I don’t deserve to play in the NFL. I don’t deserve to be a role model. I pray she can forgive me, someday. I pray my kids can. My God! Whatever comes my way, I deserve it. I’m just going to work on being a better man and NEVER doing anything like that again. We’ll do family counseling after I’ve gotten myself straight. I’m the one to blame.” True apologies are “I” centered, not “we” centered. The abuser is the problem in an abusive family, not the family itself.
Third, Janay is speaking from her heart, but her responses to this are classic “survivor/victim” speak. I don’t want to dissect all of her statements here. It would take far too long and might sound like I’m blaming her for something. She is simply responding like 100 out of 100 survivor/victims respond. You can hear it and see it if you know what to look for.
I thought I couldn’t be shocked, but I was when I read the Youtube comments under the “elevator video” I posted. Women are writing that they “hate to say it,” but Janay “did something to really piss Ray off” and “brought it on herself.” Granted, she should not have slapped him in the hall, but did he respond in kind? Was he defending himself? No. He was clearly teaching her a lesson, one he has taught her many times before. Ladies, striking you is NEVER permissible! Don’t tolerate it and don’t settle for it. Verbal abuse isn’t permissible, either, but we’ll save that for another time. Suffice it to say, the comments after the video demonstrate many men think it is o.k. to strike a woman and many women think it is o.k. for a man to strike a woman under the right circumstances. That is horrifying to me. Those attitudes are what has to change. Real men don’t abuse women verbally , physically, or psychologically. Our job is to protect, provide for, cherish, and love them. Don’t marry–or continue dating–a woman for whom you cannot do those things willingly and with a loving heart. If violence and abuse are part of your relationship, change or get out of it so you can be the man you are supposed to be.
Compelling Word 